Or Not to Be
by Yaminoko-Jeichan
Summary: Prologue of 'To Say Goodbye' Story explaining what happened during each of Kurama's suicide attempts in during the three years Hiei was in the demon realm.
1. Whether 'tis Nobler

Chapter one: First Attempt

Staring silently into the bathroom mirror, feeling numb and empty from another dream about Hiei in which the fire-demon turned his back on him, Kurama studied his blank expression, feeling the desperation and hunger burning inside of him. He needed Hiei—needed to see and touch the fire-demon in person rather than just clinging to a memory of someone unreal and foreign to how Hiei usually was. Maybe Kurama had fooled himself into thinking that Hiei though of him as more than casual lovers—he knew Hiei had held back when they gave each other the demon mating bites on each one's shoulder, but Kurama thought nothing of it until this moment.

Was Hiei ever going to come back?

Had Kurama only been someone to kill time with for the firedemon? On, god, he hoped not, that would mean all the energy Kurama had put into sealing their union had been wasted, if Hiei hadn't been serious about his and Kurama's relationship, then that meant the fox-demon had been duped most severely.

"Hiei…." Kurama whispered, tears welling up in his intense green eyes, his body shuddering from fear of what Hiei's long absence meant—the fire-demon had only been gone a year and a half but Kurama still felt his doubt causing his faith in the fire-demon's love to waver. Why didn't Hiei come back to him? Couldn't the fire-demon sense how much Kurama needed him? Didn't he want to help his fox, as the fire-demon often called Kurama? Kurama needed someone to hold him, someone who knew and would understand—but neither he nor Hiei told anyone of their relationship, although Kurama suspected Genkai was aware that the fox-demon and fire-demon had been lovers. However, Kurama couldn't be sure, and anyway, how could he sneak out to Genkai's now? It was past midnight, and surely the old psychic would be asleep same as everyone else was—everyone except Kurama.

There was no one he could explain his thoughts and feelings to, if it'd been about a girl it'd be easier, but Hiei was male like him, so how could he bring that up with anyone in his family? How would they treat him if they knew? Would anyone understand? Kurama highly doubted anyone would, though he couldn't give up hoping for someone to come along in whom he could confide his secrets.

Over the past month of so Kurama had tried to muster the courage to tell someone what he was thinking—that his life was meaningless without Hiei. What truly did it matter that he was the smartest in his grade at school, so what if he could use his knowledge to make a good life for himself—he didn't want anything in life except to have his fire-demon with him forever and for always, never to separate. But Hiei was gone and all that seemed to face Kurama in the future was a mundane life as a doctor or scientist—a life that could be filled by any ordinary human, Kurama wasn't needed for any significant purpose in this world, he didn't even belong in this world. So how could his life without Hiei be justified?

"It can't…." Kurama muttered letting the tears fall from his eyes, his whole heart breaking from all of his insecurities he ignored during the daylight hours—he never showed a single one of his doubts to anyone he encountered, preferring to deal with them by himself. Now they overwhelmed him, pushing him beyond his tolerance, forcing the darker thoughts into his consciousness.

'Maybe I shouldn't remain here, maybe I should just end it….' Kurama trembled feeling lost and hopeless in his forlorn solitude absentmindedly searching through the bathroom's medicine cabinet for what he needed—a bottle of high dosage aspirin. It would be the quietest way, and easiest, without much pain, but…. "Only two…." Kurama mumbled after checking the only bottle of aspirin he found, only two pills remain, not enough to even kill a normal human, and Kurama's body was highly resistant to most hazardous things for humans. More was needed to kill him than was needed to kill a normal human.

Sighing, Kurama put the vial back in the medicine cabinet, which was empty except for that vial, and closed the mirrored door, staring at his tear-stained face once again in the mirror. Hiei…why wasn't the fire-demon here now? Didn't he care enough? Would he even care if Kurama killed himself? Would hiei ever even know if he did? Thinking about how alone, about how lost he was without his fire-demon beside him, a sob escaped Kurama's throat—a soft one but in the nighttime silence it echoed loudly—at least loud enough to be heard by anyone just outside the bathroom. And sure enough…

"Shuuichi? Is everything all right?" His mother asked knocking softly on the bathroom door, before she spoke, worry in her caring voice. "I though I heard you crying."

"I'm fine, mom, you should go back to bed, you need your rest." Kurama replied in a falsely contented voice, wanting to, but unable to confess to her anything—he didn't want to hurt her in anyway.

So why are you trying to kill yourself? A voice in his mind spoke, harsh and cold. It'd devastate her. The voice, his Youko personality revealed, disgusted with his more humane side's weakness.

I guess it would…what can I do?

Go back to sleep, you can think about this tomorrow. Youko replied, and that seemed to settle it for now—Kurama couldn't bear to hurt his mother, and Shiori would be horribly devastated if Kurama committed suicide—his pain wasn't that great yet. Besides, hiei may eventually come back; all he'd have to do was wait and see.

Splashing cold water on his face to cover up the fact that he'd been crying, Kurama left the bathroom, reassuring his mother that he was all right before heading back to his bedroom to sleep.

Lying on his bed for close to twenty minutes, unable to get back to sleep, Kurama stared up at his room's ceiling, realizing then that he hadn't done his homework yet—he'd been too exhausted. But now since he couldn't get back to sleep, he might as well do it, since if it didn't get done everyone would begin worrying about him anyway—Kurama never missed doing a homework assignment before, so everyone would be alarmed if he did now. And Kurama was sure his mother would worry more about him these next few days since she'd heard him crying in the bathroom—so it would be best for the fox-demon not to draw attention to himself for a while.

Though, it was stupid really, to do something simple like homework after searching for a way to kill yourself—as though something so normal like homework could make any difference to someone who didn't want to live until the next day. It was almost ludicrous. Why should he even try anymore?

"So everyone will be happy." He whispered still staring at his ceiling, not wanting to move even though he kept telling himself to get up and do his homework.

Everyone? No, he wouldn't be happy, not until hiei was back at least, but there was no telling when that would be. What should he do? The more he thought about it the more clear it became—if he killed himself all his worry would go away, and while his family would grieve, their sadness was sure to numb over time—wasn't it? Yes, their grief was sure to dissipate over time, though his mother would be the hardest hit by his death—especially his suicide, but she was sure to recover from it—wasn't she?

How did mothers act after losing a child? Kurama never saw a grieving human mother firsthand before—what was that like? He figured it'd be harder to get over than a normal grief, but how much so? Would it even matter?

Yes, it would, especially to you. Youko whispered in his thoughts, reminding him of that night a while ago when he used the mirror of darkness Forlorn Hope in dubbed Anime to save Shiori from that fatal illness, planning on sacrificing his own life to save hers in order to repay her for caring and loving him so much. If it hadn't been for Yusuke he'd already be dead, but the then rookie Spirit Detective had offered some of his own life to the mirror in replace of Kurama's—saving Shiori and Kurama's lives with his stubborn recklessness.

Kurama was forever grateful, remembering then what Yusuke had said to him, telling the Spirit Fox that no woman should suffer the agony of losing a child, something Kurama had wondered how the Spirit Detective knew until he found out about how Yusuke had died before. Yusuke had seen his own mother grieve for him—a woman Kurama perceived as flamboyant, carefree and irresponsible had cried excessively for her son, and Yusuke had seen this firsthand. So maybe Kurama should take his words to heart—even if Shiori wasn't his real mother, she perceived him as her real son and to take what she loved so dearly away from her would hurt both of them immensely.

The Spirit Fox still felt as though he owed Shiori—that human woman would've gladly given her life to protect him, her son, (even if that was only by a deception) from harm. Seldom was such self-sacrifice seen—even in the human world. Kurama owed Shiori so much, he'd seen enough of the human world to know that while most mothers did care as deeply for their offspring as Shiori cared for him, there were some who didn't, and the fact that Shiori kept him, raising him on her own after his father's death even though it'd been easier to give him up form adoption, touched Kurama's demon heart deeply. He doubt if he could ever repay that debt.

You won't repay it by killing yourself. Youko whispered, interrupting Kurama's thoughts again—lately his Youko side showed more independence from him possibly a result of Kurama having to cut that part of him away from his core personality. You'd only make it worse. Get a hold of yourself, you never were this weak before, emotionally wise. You need to get tougher—even after Kurounue died you weren't this depressed.

But he died, there's a difference between death and abandonment. Kurama whispered back to Youko, trying not to cry as he thought of Kurounue as well—that demon had been his lover back when he was still Youko, and his death had devastated the Spirit Fox, but he never thought seriously about killing himself back then, after all, Kurounue could be reborn again, and when he was they could begin where they left off. This incident with hiei was different, the fire-demon wasn't dead (Kurama assumed) and so could return at anytime (presuming he wasn't trapped somewhere) so Hiei's failure to return was by choice—he had abandoned Kurama, so even if they met again, it didn't guarantee they'd be together.

Just summon him then. He'd be forced to come.

But then I wouldn't know if he truly cared—I want him to come back on his own—besides, what if he is trapped somewhere? He would suffer unspeakable pain for being unable to comply with the summon—and I couldn't bear to hurt him like that.

Urgh! Fine then, go to sleep or something and quit dwelling on killing yourself—it's morbid even for a murderous demon to think about.

Finally feeling drowsy, Kurama yawned, closed his eyes and fell asleep, shivering even though no breeze blew through the room and the air temp was warm.

Outside the bedroom door Shiori listened to the telltale pattern of breathing that revealed when her son truly slept, worry in her eyes as she continued to wait even after Shuuichi fell asleep, just in case.

It wasn't as though there were any vivid telltale signs that would cause a red flag to go up, but Shiori instinctively feared for her son's life—he had been slowly falling behind in school, there was no significant grade decrease, but it slowly decreased at a gradual pace, and the teachers informed her that Shuuichi appeared emotionally different lately—though they assumed it was because of the exams and such. But somewhere inside her heart Shiori knew something was amiss with her son—mother's intuition told her to look out for Shuuichi even if she had to protect him from himself.

So clutching a small plastic sandwich bag filled with the aspirin she removed from the vial earlier in the day


	2. To Take Arms

Things carried on normally for the next two months with Kurama forcing himself to worry more about exams than Hiei—he didn't want to, but his mother worried quietly about him lately and he wanted to assure her he was fine. So he focused on school work and such, rather than Hiei during the day, and at night he took a sedative derived from his demonic plants to relax him into sleep—a dreamless, deep sleep, sometimes refreshing but most times not. Often, even though he willed himself not to, thoughts of suicide pushed themselves to the forefront of his thoughts, blocking out every other thought or idea so he couldn't concentrate well on school work. However, except for a few lapses, Kurama still received perfect grades and so no one at school took much notice that anything was awry—Kurama was highly grateful, but sometimes he wished someone would've noticed.

Another month went by without any relapse into the actual attempting to kill himself, but his weak resolution failed him during the fourth month. On a clear, blue skied day—a Wednesday, Kurama remembered because he had a botany club meeting scheduled for after school that day, Kurama sat in a bathroom cubicle thinking about Hiei even though he tried hard not to. Why hadn't the fire-demon gotten in touch with him yet? Did Hiei even care about him? Did it matter at all if he did or didn't? Oh, god, why must he be tortured like this? He couldn't keep living day to day like this, as though life was an endless tunnel with no end in sight, and with no way to tell whether you headed in the right direction.

Time crawled slowly with no end in sight, painfully ticking every second that reminded Kurama of how long Hiei had been away—why must he continue to endure such suffering?

He didn't, Kurama realized, all he had to do to end his pain was to end his life, and that would be simple enough. Melancholy and alone, Kurama clutched in his hand a pair of small scissors used for trimming the branches of the plants used in his botany club—he had snuck them out of the green house used to house the plants—the blades were razor sharp, shiny metal, small but efficient for the task.

Not realizing he had brought the blade of the opened scissors to his wrist, Kurama tightened his grip on the trimmers, pressing down on his skin before he knew what he was doing. Not until he saw the blood did he realize what he had done, a silent terror whelming through him along with a quiet relief—he could make his quietus now, alone in the bathroom stall, emotionally devoid. Detach-ly thinking about the one line of Shakespeare's play Hamlet during hamlet's soliloquy that death ends 'the heartache…that flesh is heir to," and was a "consummation devoutly to be wished,"—Kurama heart-fully believed that now, and studied his wounded wrist quietly hopeful, welcoming death.

But—should he really die now, here in this bathroom cubicle? What if by chance Hiei returned tomorrow and Kurama was dead, killed by the fox-demon's own hand, what would Hiei think and feel? Could fate be that ironic? Yes it could, and possibly would be so.

"What have I…?" Kurama whispered, applying pressure to the vein in his wounded arm to slow the bleeding while he tried to think of what to do. No one else was in the bathroom, so he could leave the stall without worry—but what if someone showed up and saw his wrist? What would they do, and what would they think? Him, the smartest and most popular guy in school, slicing his wrist in a school bathroom in the middle of a school day—how would he explain that to any passerby? For all of his intelligence, he wouldn't be able to—he doubted if he'd even try, but should he just wait for someone to find him?

No, that would be the most horrible sight for anyone to come across, and Kurama did not wish to cause anyone else grief—he felt terrible enough without adding that guilt to his conscience. So, opening the bathroom stall door, trying hard not to leave any blood on the handle, Kurama went to the sink and put his wrist under the facet, running the cool water over it while his other arm searched through his pocket for the handkerchief one of the girls gave him earlier that day. Finding it, his cut wrist now numb from the cold water, still bleeding freely but slower—so he hadn't cut deep enough to bleed to death, but deep enough to appear as though he had—and then he wrapped and tied the handkerchief around his wrist making sure to apply it with enough pressure to slow the bleeding down even more—he wasn't taking chances.

Blood began staining the handkerchief as soon as it touched his wrist, turning the white, soft fabric damp and red—the cotton material was so absorbent, Kurama figured that he'd have to buy the girl a new one if ever she wanted it back. Absentmindedly curious, Kurama glanced at the name embroidered at the corner of the handkerchief—Akiko Kamigawa, a girl in his same grade, but who had a different homeroom. He would have to thank her later, Kurama guessed, since without her handkerchief he would've had a harder time of this.

Akiko—that name intrigued Kurama's curiosity, the first part of her first name was written in hiragana (The 'Aki' part) while the 'ko' was written with the usually kanji put at the end of girls names. Did the 'aki' stand for autumn? Kurama supposed autumn sounded best compare to the other translations he could think of, it was a nice, quiet name, and went well with the last name—Kamigawa, roughly translated to river god. So the name could mean autumn river god—a beautiful sounding name, better, at least, than his demon name Kurama, which was written using the kanji for storehouse and horse. Oh, he wished he could've chosen different kanji for his demon name, his human name was okay. Though maybe if he had a different name than 'Shuuichi,' written using the kanji for outstanding and one (roughly translated as outstanding one), he wouldn't be so intent on being the perfect student—it had seemed his parents' wish for him to be successful and so he put his energy into being so. His last name Minamino, southern field (literally south field) was all right, though without the kanji of his last name his name could mean outstanding one of the south—interesting, he never though so much about his names before. Funny how the thought came to him now, of all times—was he unconsciously trying to figure out who he really was?

Strange how times of adversity caused people to think about things they normally wouldn't, to think he's standing at a bathroom sink thinking about names while his flimsy bandaged wrist bled—was his mind trying to distract him or was he just going crazy? On could only wonder….

"Um…Shuuichi? Are you okay?" A voice from behind him interrupted his thoughts, and Kurama quickly went to hide his wrist with his uniform's jacket but the person who spoke grabbed his arm. "Class began ten minutes ago, Shuuichi, the practice exam, remember?" The person, Kaito, spoke not noticing the blood at first since the uniform's color was a derivative of red—violet, but then…. "Shuuichi…what…blood?"

"It's none of your concern, Kaito, I'm fine." Kurama replied, abrupt and harsh, pulling his left arm from the boy's grasp, but then felt a wave of dizziness swarm through him. Swaying a little, barely noticeable, but Kaito caught it, Kurama steadied himself with the edge of the sink, his face pale but stoic—had he been mistaken about the wound being not deep enough? No, he was sure it wasn't—it would've had to have been much deeper to kill his demonic human body, and all the medicine he had earlier was the two aspirin for a headache—just two, or maybe it was four. Yes it must've been four—unless, did he take more? Maybe, he couldn't remember, but his stomach was upset now—oh, he remembered, he remembered, he took only a total of four aspirin, but he'd taken something else too—what was it? Oh, yeah, it was a mild sedative—derived from the one he'd been using as a sleep agent. Demon world derived—maybe those two medicines shouldn't be mixed.

"Shuuichi? What's wrong? You're not all right, I'm getting the nurse." Kaito spoke, disturbing Kurama's thoughts again, worriedly split as to whether to stay with Kurama or leave him alone to get help.

No, Kaito, just help me to the greenhouse, I took a demon plant sedative this morning, forgot, and then took some aspirin—apparently those mustn't be mixed. I can whip up an antidote if you bring me to the school green house."

"But your arm—the blood."

"That's not any of your concern!" Kurama snapped, and then checked himself. "I mean…it's just a wound I got from a recent encounter with a demon, I haven't been to Genkai's yet and it must've reopened." He lied coolly, revealing nothing to the boy—the last thing he needed was for Kaito to find out about his suicide attempt, he was bound to tell a teacher or somebody, maybe even smart enough to inform Genkai, and Kurama didn't want anyone to know.

"You sure? Shouldn't you see the nurse? Or should I help you to Master Genkai's?"

"Just to the greenhouse will be fine—then I'll go to the nurse's office alone." _Or maybe I should ditch altogether—so unlike me, but…._

"Okay, Shuuichi, but getting to the greenhouse unnoticed will be something." Kaito replied, but said nothing more while he helped Kurama walk to the school greenhouse—luckily no one caught them, and Kurama whipped up a concoction that settled his stomach and got rid of his dizziness. And while Kaito wasn't looking, Kurama placed an ointment on his sliced wrist, and re-bandaged it with a piece of clothe he found in a tool drawer in the greenhouse, putting the soiled handkerchief in his pants pocket. After he was all set, Kurama headed to the nurse's office, Kaito following him so the boy could have an alibi for ditching class.

At the health office Kurama explained to the nurse about feeling a bit ill, and made up some symptoms—wishing silently that Kaito hadn't insisted on accompanying him to the health office, he would've just ditched even though it'd be his first time. Luckily the nurse believed him and didn't press many questions, assuming Kurama's illness was caused by stress( Kurama kept her from seeing his left wrist) after all, Kurama had talked to a councilor about applying for early graduation—he had already passed practice college entrance exams to some of the most prestigious schools with flying colors—all he needed, besides completing a real entrance exam, was a declaration of graduation signed by the school principal and then he'd be gone from this school.

While Kurama rested in the school clinic, the nurse sent Kaito back to class, writing a note to explain his tardiness so the boy wouldn't get into trouble, and then telling Kurama she was going to call his family, in case it wasn't just stress. Kurama hated that the nurse called, but figured that he could make a strong alibi that left out any guilt on his part. Somehow it did relieve him to be away from class for the day—at least away from the people, he still did some of the work that Kaito brought to him during the breaks between classes, glad that Kaito hadn't gotten into trouble because of him.

"You should've seen the girls' faces when I told the teacher you've taken ill, they wanted to ditch class and see you, but I made it seem that you needed a peaceful rest. So, besides the nurse, I'm the only one allowed to visit you until your parents pick you up." Kaito spoke cheerfully during one of his visits during break; Kurama's mother wouldn't arrive at school until around lunchtime, two classes away, two breaks.

"So what's the homework assignment for our English Literature class?"

"To analyze ten to twenty poems by various non-Japanese authors. Here's a copy of it—due by Friday, and on Monday we're to recite a poem of our choosing—in English and Japanese."

"Sounds challenging."

"Only for the lower ranking students—or those who're shy, but neither of us are either, so it should be no problem."

"How much you want to bet that those who do the assignment right will mostly use poems by Poe?"

"1000 yen that "The Raven" will be the most used poem."

"And a 1000 yen says it'll be a poem by Poe other than "The Raven"."

"No, you must pick a specific one."

"Okay, how 'bout "Annabel Lee"."

"You're one." Kaito replied, and then went to head back to class, glancing once at Kurama in a hesitant way. "Um…Shuuichi? I…."

"Hm?"

"Never mind, see you!" Kaito replied leaving the room to head back to class, leaving Kurama in solitude thinking about what the boy had wanted to say to him.

_Chapter two done, whatcha think? I wrote down the kanji of Kurama's human and demon names and looked up the meaning of each kanji so each separate meaning is accurate, but I wasn't sure exactly how to put the meaning of each kanji together so I went with what sounded best. Anyway, please review! (There will be at least a total of six chapters to this story)._


	3. Tis A Consummation

Later on that day, after being excused from school early, sitting at the wooden study desk in his room, Kurama poured through books of poems intent on getting at least ten poems done tonight, and though he looked for poems with upbeat meanings, he only found ones he liked to have morbid meanings about death and melancholy. Where were all the cheerful ones? Apparently none of them attracted his interest; the morbid poems were the ones that caught his attention. Already he had picked out three poems—all by the same poet, Emily Dickinson, and each had a bittersweet melancholy to them, and as was the custom of the poems of that particular poet, each poem's title was just a number—though on quite a few the number was replaced with the first line of the poem in brackets. Obviously it was so they could be easily identified by anyone reading the book they were in. the first-line titles of these poems were: "So proud she was to die," "What if I Say…?" and "My Life Closed Twice…."

Each one impressed its significance to Kurama by relating somewhat to how he was feeling—the first one expressed someone who was proud to die, who cherished the satisfaction of it (though Kurama couldn't defer whether it was a suicidal poem), the second was blatantly suicidal in nature, about the speaker citing her desire to die and join her loved one in death (Kurama pondered the significance of this one to him and Hiei—if one did die would the other follow?) and the last one spoke of the pain of saying goodbye to those you cared about—eerily it could've fit Kurama exactly since he experienced that pain twice so far—first with Kurounue and second with Hiei, and he agreed wholeheartedly with it being all one needed of hell (though he wondered about it being all anyone knew of heaven—how could it be heavenly…of course, it must mean that to get to heaven one needs to 'part' ways with those they care about—that would make it the only thing any living being knew of heaven).

With those three poems set aside, Kurama plowed again through the poetry books he had his mother check out of the library for him—she was concerned as she always was about Kurama focusing so much more on his school work than on his health. But she acted that way even before he became an A-student, so it didn't distract any of his attention. He just continued doing his homework, refreshed from a short nap his mother forced him to take, studying each poetry book intently as he searched for another seven poems.

By the time it came for him to go to sleep, Kurama was just finishing the last poem of that day's quota and would've continued if his mother hadn't told him to get some rest—if he didn't he could get sick again, and Shiori wasn't about to let that happen so easily and so Kurama put away his books and went to sleep after changing into his night clothes and taking a shower. Surprisingly he actually fell asleep without having to use any sleep aid agent.

Two days later Kurama handed in his poetry assignment feeling a little anxious—would anyone connect his selections and figure out how much in pain he was? Would they even care if they did?

Standing stoically on the school's roof during lunch, feeling the weight of sadness and his thoughts on his shoulders and heart, Kurama looked up at the shining sun, disliking how bright it was—he preferred the rain since it reminded him of Hiei and the times they made love. Sweet, intense times they were, the rain pouring down on them as they consummated their union alone, one time in a mountain valley and another in a mountainside cave—both times the same and yet surprisingly different. It was bittersweet thinking of those times, the memories coming to the forefront of Kurama's mind vividly, depressing him as he remembered how Hiei was gone—feeling hopeless to the clinging despair in his heart whispering that he and Hiei wouldn't be together again.

But he couldn't help hoping and believing that they would—but all he had was hope, and in his experience in the Demon Realm, hope was a fragile, flitting thing that left as swiftly as it appeared. Nothing at all like it was described in another of Dickinson's poems—the one that spoke of hope as an immortal enduring bird that never stopped existing within the confines of a person's soul. That was nothing like the hope Kurama had experienced living in the Demon Realm.

Sighing quietly, leaning against the wall that the door back inside the school was in, Kurama continued to stare at the clear blue sky, not flitting his eyes even when someone walked through the door and onto the roof.

"I thought you'd be up here—though you usually stay in the library for lunch." Kaito spoke standing next to Kurama leaning against the wall, glancing once at the fox-demon who still stared at the sky. "So, are you up here to get some time away from all of those admirers?" Kurama just shook his head, still facing the sky, but taking in the image of Kaito out of the corner of his eye; the black haired boy's eyes studied his profile before straying to Kurama's left arm. Instinctively Kurama moved his left arm, making sure that the bandage around his wrist wasn't visible—he could've healed it quickly but he just didn't have the motivation to do so. But now he wished he had since he was sure Kaito saw the bandage, and if the boy did he may put two and two together—and if that happened….

"Shuuichi, what's that on your wrist…did you get hurt? Why isn't it healed yet?"

"It's…it's nothing."

"Nothing? C'mon Shuuichi, I can tell you're lying." Kaito replied now standing in front of Kurama forcing the redhead to look him in the eye. "Shuuichi, show me your arm or I'm going to assume it's self-inflicted." Kaito demanded, not seriously believing that Kurama had hurt himself, only wanting to know what happened. However, at his words, Kurama averted his gaze and refused either to speak or meet Kaito's eye, his heart pounding at how correct the black-haired boy's words were. Seeing this strange reaction, not at all what he expected, Kaito gasped and stepped back, looking at Kurama as though surprised by what he saw.

"Don't…don't tell me that you did…."

Kurama only closed his eyes, trying to slow his racing heart—why was it so difficult to control his body's reactions right now? All the times before this he'd always been able to hide all emotion behind a cool façade, but now…he was sure Kaito or anyone else for that matter could see through his stoic exterior.

"Oh, god, Shuuichi, let me see your arm or I'll go right to the school phones and call your mother." Kaito spoke, knowing full well that Kurama would comply, and sure enough the fox-demon held out his bandaged arm for Kaito to see.

"Don't tell anyone, please Kaito." Kurama pleaded surprised by how weak and pathetic his voice sounded, tears welling in his eyes. "Especially not my mom, please."

"Shuuichi…but why? Why did you do this?" Kaito asked, cradling Kurama's wrist gently in his hands, wondering if he should take off the bandage and look at the wound; he wasn't sure if he had the courage to do so though. Kurama only shook his head, he wasn't going to say why, but didn't make any motion to move away from Kaito—and Kaito figured that was good enough for a first try.

"Could you tell me when you did this? And shy it's not healed yet?"

"…Wednesday…."

"Wednesday? You mean that…in the bathroom you…?"

"Yes."

"Oh god, I was right there and I didn't notice." Kaito muttered, letting go of Kurama's wrist and closing his eyes. "I never thought you…."

"Please Kaito, don't tell anyone."

"…I should tell someone…."

"Please…."

"…all right, but you need to promise not to do it again, and let me check your arms every time I ask. If I see even one suspicious cut, I'm telling someone. You got that, Shuuichi?"

Kurama didn't speak, only nodded, still unable to make himself look Kaito in the eye—he didn't want to promise, but he didn't want Kaito to tell anybody about him cutting himself. Nobody would understand, unless he explained about Hiei, and he couldn't—he couldn't tell anyone how much he cared about the demon; nor could he explain how much it hurt him for Hiei not to be with him. How could anyone else understand when he didn't understand it completely himself? So Kurama remained silent as Kaito told him to stay where he was that he was going to get what he needed to change the bandage—the white bandage showed red around the wrist area, the wound may've opened during Kurama's attempt to hide it from Kaito. Neither boy said anything when Kaito returned with a first aid kit, and took the bandage off of Kurama's wrist, taking in a deep breath of air as he saw the wound.

"Looks like you were close to getting an infection." Kaito whispered as he dabbed the cut with a cotton ball with ointment on it, after cleaning it with some cool water. Seeing that the wound was deep, even if it wasn't deep enough to kill Kurama's semi-demonic body, Kaito took out some other stuff from the first aid kit, telling Kurama that the wound should be stitched up. "I'm sure you knew that though. Why you didn't just use your demon plants on it for it to heal faster, I don't know, but that would be the best way."

"…." Kurama just stared at Kaito, watching in silence as the boy stitched up his wound and re-bandaged it with a clean bandage. Afterward Kaito left to return the first aid kit and throw out the soiled bandage, returning to the roof carrying his and Kurama's lunches.

"We don't have much time left, but we both should eat something before the break's over."

"…." Kurama took his lunch and began eating without a word, eating the food slowly with no enthusiasm, offering some to Kaito who finished his lunch quickly. But the boy shook his head. So when the lunch break was over, and Kurama wasn't finished eating his lunch, the fox-demon headed back to class after throwing out the rest of the food. He didn't have any appetite.

The rest of the day passed uneventfully, and after school Kaito walked home with Kurama, wanting to make sure the fox-demon didn't try anything, reminding Kurama of the promise—that he wouldn't cut himself anymore.

Surprisingly, Kurama kept that promise for the rest of the school year, not even thinking about cutting himself even though the thought of Hiei's abandonment still plagued him. Seeing that Kurama was apparently over cutting himself, Kaito assumed everything was okay, figuring that it may have been the stress from school that caused Kurama to do that. Kaito had felt the same way a few times himself, especially with how hard he always used to try to best Kurama on the standardized tests but was unable. So Kaito thought that Kurama was getting a grip on himself like Kaito did himself when he tried to hurt himself before—life was more important than any school assignment.

But he was wrong, Kurama wasn't over his suicidal thoughts because it hadn't anything to do about school—it didn't even have anything to do with the human realm, but Kaito didn't know that. What's more, even if Kaito still thought of paying close attention to Kurama's emotional problems, he couldn't, different homeroom, limiting his time to hang out with the fox-demon.

Maybe if Kaito had been around, nagging Kurama, the fox-demon would've endured his depression long enough to get better, but instead Kurama sank into a deeper depression, hiding his pain behind a cleverly crafted mask. Merely biding his time and tricking everyone into thinking he was fine when he wasn't—he would never be okay.


End file.
